Today: 28W1D

I know, it has been ages! Just entered our third trimester and there's SO MUCH has happened.

• The holidays came and went. They were busy, hectic, all kinds of great. Unlike last year, which was shrouded in gloom, we kept ourselves busy, bought and decorated a tree, and celebrated with family and friends. Thanksgiving dinner at One Kalakaua (dad's side) and a few days later at Karlene's (Scott's side). Christmas @ Mandalay Bay (Aunty Nora's) - bingo, Price Is Right, all the usual good stuff. Two graduations, New Year's dinner, our first shower (see next bullet point), chocolate shop company party at the beautiful Moana Surfrider. Oh! And we hosted the Christmas Eve dinner I insisted on, with a full house, yummy food - and bonus side touches of Super Grouchy Dad. Next Christmas (this year!) if we can manage it with baby, I want to do Christmas Eve again BUT someone has got to be in charge of keeping Dad busy and away from the house during preparation. I don't know what it is about party prepping - but he turns into Fire Breathing Dragon Dad. Although I said I would take care of everything (since he didn't want to do a party in the first place), he managed to step in and take over nearly everything - completely changed the menu, tried to make us eat outside in the patio, tried to derail our very necessary efforts to clean the house beforehand, snapped at everyone all day, and when dinner was actually underway, spent much of it away from everyone - puttering around in the kitchen, constantly springing up to get unnecessary items, etc. I'm documenting this not to dredge up salty feelings but so that I can remember it for the next go-around because 1) this same thing ALWAYS happens but 2) I tend to let the warm fuzzies take over and forget about his truly awful behavior. Next time, getting him out of the house is as real a task as the cleaning itself.

In the end, all was well and we had a fun night :) Thank you, Lord!

• We had our first baby shower! Since the young cousins were all home for the holidays, the family threw us a Monsters Inc-themed shower at the Diamond Head house. So much fun! So much ♥!

• I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. I would go on and on about how much it sucks to have to think this hard about meal planning and to skip sauces, desserts and pretty much everything fun, but instead I'll be grateful that 1) I had a delicious holiday season, 2) medical technology allows us to best gauge how to keep baby as healthy as possible, and 3) it'll probably go away in three months. Yay!

it's beginning to look a lot like ...

Today: 17W2D

Nyeek - Halloween and its piles of chocolate and the beginnings of holiday celebrations are wreaking havoc on my willpower. I am usually able to regulate by reminding myself that whatever I eat has a direct impact on baby - now and in the future. (I read that if you consume a lot of sugar during pregnancy, babies show a preference for sugary tastes when they're born.)

The most exciting news I have right now is that as of sometime last week, I'm now able to feel baby MOVE! I can usually feel him fluttering about if I lie flat on my back and put my hand on my tummy about half an hour or so after a meal - it feels like a small tap or series of taps on my hand. But sometimes even just sitting or standing still, I can feel him tumbling away. It's a very slight sensation, usually just a few flutters or taps before he settles (or, I don't know, moves away?)

MS is all but gone, but I do still get tired easily esp during my afternoons at the chocolate shop. I try to sit as much as possible (I read that standing too long during pregnancy is bad for you - I wonder if I read too much) but still by the end of my relatively easy shift, I am beat. It's good to be out of the house for those few hours a week, though.

We did our follow-up blood test for spina bifida, which came back negative (yay!) and are looking forward to next Monday's anatomy scan and the hospital tour that we have scheduled later this month. Been having issues with our condo association and plumbing matters, and every time I feel my stress levels climbing I try to remember the only thing that matters is our family. At the end of the day, money is only money, other people's words and opinions are theirs and not ours to worry about, and we have these countless blessings to cherish.

And the holidays are upon us! Last year I PROMISED myself and Scott that we would do the holidays right this year. We had a three-year slump after Mom passed, and last year was worst. Absolutely the last straw. We did absolutely nothing to celebrate - didn't clean, bake, decorate the house, nothing. This year, I'm getting my Mom pants on early and we're all following my lead. I already baked my first pumpkin-flavored dessert and am planning what our living room Christmas decorations are going to look like. We're dressing up, we're getting a tree, we're going to church, we're accepting invitations and extending some of our own as well. No more icky dreary Christmases. We are moving from upstairs to downstairs, and I think that will help. I think half the time, the living room is a mess because it's largely unused. (Right now it's just storage space for all the awesome baby stuff that people have been giving us.) But once we move downstairs and are regular users of the living room, I'm sure there will be much more motivation to get in the holiday spirit and spruce it up (ha, pun intended).

up and about

Today: 15W5D

I should have updated much sooner: NIPT came back negative for Down Syndrome and trisomy 13/18. Thank you God! I had already somewhat started wrapping my mind around having a special needs child (and there is no guarantee that he won't be a special needs child, even with this early bit of good news) and the one thing I constantly reminded myself was: Down Syndrome would be just a small part of his identity. (By the way in case you couldn't tell - we do know for sure: It's a BOY!) But yes, people tend to assign utmost importance, identity-wise, to any disability a child is born with or develops - I am guilty of this too. In the long days of waiting for the call, I read a lot of wise words and talked to many people who pointed out that a child is so much more than his limitations.

:)

Morning sickness has subsided a lot - sometimes there's a sneak attack of nausea but it's usually a pretty quick bout. My challenge these days is not eating too much at a time, because when I do feel waves of nausea it's usually after eating. I should be eating smaller, more frequent meals, and I should cut out the soda and sugary crap. I have cut back on the sugars, but not as severely as I should have. Still working on it. I usually give into any cravings I have for fast food or a midday Sprunch, but I try to balance this out by drinking a lot of water and eating a lot of vegetables and fruit at other meals. My one hybrid of fast food and health food: Subway Veggie Delight. Basically a sandwich of lettuce, tomatoes, green bells, cucumbers, pickles, olives and cheese. The good is of course the veggies. The bad is the bread (it's really a lot of bread) and the fact that to most sandwich artists, "very little mayo" means "half the bottle, please." I just want to jump behind the counter and make my own sandwich. I'd almost entirely skip the lettuce and instead would pack the sandwich with bells, tomatoes, and cucumbers before topping it with just the right amount of savories.

I'm considering switching OBGYNs, not because there is something seriously wrong with my doc but because I don't feel a very strong connection with her and I feel like a very small fish in a very large sea of patients. I want to be able to say (for example), how do you know my progesterone and estrogen levels are okay, could you check them? a) without sounding like I think I know more than her and b) without being pegged as one of those patients. I feel like since I was released from Drs. H and A, I've been reclassified as Totally Normal - and while, if I truly am, that is great, we did spend five years on a long road to get here and none of my concerns are trivial. This is a precious gift and I've been entrusted to care for it and stick up for it and until I'm holding a warm bundle in my arms I'm not sure I will really ever feel Totally Normal. My appointments are once a month, have not had one ultrasound with her yet (although I know I had a disproportionate amount with Drs. H and A - not inappropriate for my needs but disproportionate in terms of what most people usually get.) Fortunately I've had a few peeks via FDC, and we have our Anatomy Scan (level II ultrasound) coming up in November.

I've been following SomedayMama on YouTube - great, uplifting bi-weekly videos chronicling her IVF pregnancy with twins. She's now at thirty-something weeks and says the time has just flown by. I feel like it's crawling ... maybe because for so many of my so-far-15 weeks I was on bed rest and/or walking gingerly around the house and nothing more. Maybe now that I am busier, time will march on a little faster? Which brings me to ...

In other news, I've started working part-time at our friends' chocolate boutique! Just two days a week, 3 to 4 hours at a time. It is my first minimum-wage job ever, and I'm very excited to be productive outside of the house a couple times a week! I get to work a couple of upcoming Saturdays, too, including one event at Williams-Sonoma, which should be tiring but a lot of fun.

Between chocolate-ing and picking up just a little bit more housework now that I'm less sick, I've been working on our Babies R Us registry (currently under an alias - I don't know why I care, but I don't want to appear hyper-anxious, although if anyone was looking me up this early, that would make them equally as anxious, blah blah blah, too much time to think about these things!) It's fun but every decision (for big-ticket items anyway) requires a lot of research. So far I've put a lot of big and small things on there - mostly because BRU offers a 10% gift card return on all purchases once you've hit a certain dollar amount. It can be from items people have bought for you, or that you've bought for yourself. I know a lot of the purchases will be made by us, I do not expect shower gifts costing hundreds of dollars. My idea of a great low-key shower: bring us a pack of diapers or an ironic onesie and come eat some food with us and I will be more than thrilled! I wish there were a way to "cover up" some things on the registry so that people who search it do not seriously think I'd ask for a $300 stroller as a gift.

Coming up next week: second part of the blood test screening, to be done at Clinical Labs (YAY, it's so close to home). I think this one screens for spina bifida and some other stuff, but I'm not 100% sure. May borrow a Doppler to check in on baby every once in awhile but haven't decided if this is a good idea or a not-so-good one yet. We'll see!

the rock and the meadow

Today: 12W2D

TMI Factor: I think I can do away with this feature for now.

Today we had an ultrasound + genetic counseling sesh at Fetal Diagnostic. Genetic counseling was brief because we only had to to Scott's family's medical history and there's not much there in terms of remarkable illnesses or disorders. Of course because of our IVF and my age, they offered us a variety of tests for stuff like Down Syndrome, trisomy 13/18, etc. They did the nuchal fold translucency scan as part of the ultrasound, and we also opted for the NIPT - non-invasive prenatal testing (a simple blood draw to test for the aforementioned abnormalities.)

We saw Jellybean moving, waving, flipping all over the place ... I almost cried, he looks like a real (tiny) human now, with clearly distinguishable fingers and toes, facial features, etc. It was exciting to see him in action (and it was Scott's first time seeing him move). Got some great shots of him, including this one that I think is the perfect, quintessential you're really a baby now! pic:

I would love to say that this was the end of the visit and we walked away two teary, proud parents-to-be. Well we did, actually, but of course there was more to it.

They measured the nuchal fold translucency and said it seemed borderline concerning. It was 3.00 mm, and at this gestational age I think they were looking for something in the high twos. However, it wasn't 3.5 which is the measurement at which they sound a real alarm. They said that although most people with these results go on to have normal babies, an increased thickness of the nuchal fold can be indicative of Down Syndrome, heart defects, or other abnormalities.

The first thought that flitted through my mind was - "Of course. We can't have a single appointment where there is nothing but hope and pure joy. Everything up to this point has been a struggle - of course we'll struggle through this pregnancy, too. People go through entire pregnancies barely batting an eye, but everything for us has to be a fight."

I want to say that I dismissed the whiny, ungrateful thought and immediately became simply, glowingly appreciative and zen and all que sera sera about it, but I will be totally honest and say that I will have to work my way up to that. Sometimes in this uphill hike to parenthood, I want more than a sturdy, shaded rock to sit on and a loaf of bread to eat. I want a meadow that is safe and cool and to frolic in and I want a delicious picnic lunch to go with it. I know that this beautiful, sturdy rock is more than we ever thought we'd receive. But it is hard to watch everyone else in the meadow with their picnic lunches while I struggle just to not fall off this rock or drop my loaf of bread. Am I immensely grateful for the rock and the bread? YES. Do I want the meadow and the picnic? YES. Will I ever be invited to the meadow? I don't know. Will I be happy with our loaf of bread? YES. Can I stop wanting the picnic if we're never invited to it? I really, really hope so.

Things I do know:

• Our blessings are significant and innumerable. We live in a beautiful, safe neighborhood with and near family and friends who love us. We have more than enough to eat, clean water, excellent prenatal care.
• We have a strong marriage and will make it through anything God sees fit to send our way.
• The baby is A M A Z I N G. The baby is alive! The baby is moving! The baby is a tremendous gift, one we have been praying for, in whatever form and with whatever gifts and challenges he or she lands in our lives.

P.S. Although there wasn't a good look (because it wasn't the purpose of today's U/S), and there was no money shot, the tech did say that he "maybe" saw "something poking up down there." Team Blue Jellybean!

beary bear

Today: 11W6D

TMI Factor: */5

Bedside mess

Met my new "regular" OBGYN, Dr. R, yesterday. She was perfectly nice but I miss the nurses at ARCH and Drs. H & A, and I miss my old OBGYN, Dr. S. I know connections aren't made in the blink of an eye and I will just have to be patient, but so many things are different here. It's a hectic office shared by three popular docs, and I feel like I'm just a number. Dr. R didn't tell me anything I didn't already know from "What to Expect" or the evil evil internet, but she was nice enough and I feel comfortable enough, I guess, so we'll see how things progress.

Also, no ultrasound yesterday. Boo. But she did use the doppler to pick up baby's heartbeat. Super yay!

Things she said:

• Once first tri is down and nausea has quelled, try to lay off the starches and fried things.
• Cheap prenatal is OK as long as it has DHA/Omega 3.

That's ... pretty much all she said.

I also had five vials of blood drawn for normal prenatal testing, and that was not fun. The good news is ... PIO SHOTS ARE DONE AS OF TOMORROW. Tomorrow is the 12-week mark and we are officially cleared from progesterone shots and Climara patches! However, we still have a whole vial of progesterone and I am planning on continuing the shots til it's used up (I will ask first, however.) Truth be told, I'd do painful, itchy, lumpy PIO shots til Week 40 if it were beneficial for baby.

Hope I am an unremarkable patient with a smooth and uneventful pregnancy from here on out!

Other updates:

• Monday we have our appt at FDC (I would have been so much more disappointed about not getting an U/S with Dr. R if not for this upcoming appointment).
• I ordered bona fide maternity jeans from Gap since I have not fit an actual pair of my own jeans since 6 weeks. They arrived and I tried them on yesterday. There's a bit of elephant-leg going on but the waistbands are good and that's pretty much all that matters.
• Also in the order: a maternity tank (well-designed actually - it's a stretchy tank that'll grow with the belly but also, I believe, follow you back to your pre-pregnancy shape.)
• Annnnd ... a little bear hoodie with little beary-bear ears. I bought it in 3-6 mo size so that Jellybean will get more use out of it but I almost wish I'd gotten 0-3 purely for the instant gratification factor. It's my one baby indulgence 'til we're more ready to make baby-related purchases and investments.

• Without saying the actual name we've picked for a boy, I will say that my brain can't seem to remember it. It's a J-name, and my brain keeps going to Jeremiah, and while that's a cute name, I wouldn't name our child that. My criteria for names: I have to be able to make a cutesy nickname out of it for everyday use (sorry not sorry). It has to mean something positive. It has to sound nice and look nice. No nutty alternative spellings. Anyway we'll see if the J name starts to stick or not. Also there's the slimmest of slim chances that we'll have to think of girl names - but that's less of a problem because I've had those picked out since we started TTC. Ha!
• We found out that our friends are expecting a girl and their due date is the same week as ours! It is awesome to have someone to talk to about the joys and pitfalls of early pregnancy. Esp the MS.
• Speaking of, the MS has been a trickster lately. It migrated to late afternoons and evenings. Then it shifted to after dinner. Then it moved to right after lunch. One day, it didn't come at all. The next day, it hung around from morning to night. One thing is pretty consistent though - once it arrives, it sticks around for the remainder of the day, all the way through to bedtime.

Can't wait for Monday (genetic counseling and ultrasound at FDC.) It would be a side bonus to get a peek at the nub and a guess as to the gender, but since I'm already 99% certain it's a boy, all I really want is to see him swimming around and waving hi again.

baby says hi

Today: 10W5D

TMI Factor: */5

I think it's because I have zero muscle tone in my abs that everything has just ... popped out like this:

Being 10 weeks + 4 days and looking closer to 20 weeks ... 

Anyway I don't want this to become a Morning Sickness journal but I do want to note that it's been pretty yucky at night! I'm extremely lucky in the grand scheme of things - no vomiting whatsoever, and the nausea, while sporadic during the day and worse at night, is pretty low-grade.

This is the longest I've gone between appointments. I don't see Dr. R til NEXT WEEK! In that way I'm thankful for this nausea - it's like the baby saying hi to us. Well, to me. But although I try to keep the complaints to a minimum, Scott does get an earful sometimes. So, it is like the baby saying hi to both of us. Hehe!

ten weeks!

Today: 10W0D

TMI Factor: */5

Bedside survival supplies

MS has been notable the past couple of days. It's been shifting to the late afternoons and evenings. My routine, recently: Wake up feeling pretty good; eat something easy for breakfast - as of late, it's been pudding, an English muffin, and orange juice; for the rest of the day try to eat small meals and snacks with protein, like crackers and peanut butter, until dinner. Dinner is usually pretty normal-sized. After the PIO shot and just before bed, I usually have a snack so I can take my prenatal. I know I should tweak things so that I'm eating protein first thing - eggs, peanut butter, something.

For lunch today we had chicken/mozz sandwiches and a potato-filled chicken corn chowder. Took a nap and just now had a turkey burger and OJ. It used to be that as soon as I ate, I'd feel better. Now I feel slightly better, because the empty stomach feeling goes away, but still queasy. However, as my next appt isn't until Sept. 25, MS reassures me that things are okay, that baby is happy (sick mommy = healthy baby, right?) so I will be just as sick as I have to be for as long as I have to be. I'm trying to drink lots of water, or at least as much as I'm supposed to be drinking, but sometimes water tastes so gross that I get by with juice instead. (And again, the sugars.)

Felt like I was raring to go this morning, so I vacuumed, moved some (very light) furniture around, stripped the bed. At about 11:30 I felt completely exhausted and sick, so Scott went to get our lunch and I pretty much collapsed on the couch til he got back. The heat has been disgusting lately.

Last night we went to Babies R Us to look around and "get some ideas." I thought it was going to be fun but for some reason I mentally checked out right after the car seat aisle. It's all so overwhelming. There is too much to look at, it's ridiculously expensive, one thing depends on another, reviews are mixed, etc. Breast pump, $400. Car seat, $300. Stroller that fits the car seat carrier component, $300. Pack N Play, $200. Video baby monitor w/infrared night vision, $250. Plus all the things that are just "nice" to have but deemed by veteran parents completely unnecessary to puchase: Diaper Genie, wipe warmer, bottle disinfection system, pump accessories, etc. It isn't even the money (although sticker shock was undeniable.) It was the sheer quantity of choices you have for every imaginable (and thus-far unimagined) product available. Colors, models, functions, styles, materials, systems.

ARghghghghghgh.

But then an incredible blessing shone through the Clouds of Overwhelming Despair. Karlene texted that her colleague was giving away - as in, for free - a very high quality car seat with several bases, a breast pump, a swing, a Boppy pillow and a high chair. On top of this, Dad found a Pack N Play that might actually be usable.

!!!

I am making a mental note that for all the kindness and prayers that people have been showering us with, we need to pay it forward in a big way.

That's it for now. I leave you with this, a picture that made me LOL in Babies R Us but may well be my near future: