the rock and the meadow

Today: 12W2D

TMI Factor: I think I can do away with this feature for now.

Today we had an ultrasound + genetic counseling sesh at Fetal Diagnostic. Genetic counseling was brief because we only had to to Scott's family's medical history and there's not much there in terms of remarkable illnesses or disorders. Of course because of our IVF and my age, they offered us a variety of tests for stuff like Down Syndrome, trisomy 13/18, etc. They did the nuchal fold translucency scan as part of the ultrasound, and we also opted for the NIPT - non-invasive prenatal testing (a simple blood draw to test for the aforementioned abnormalities.)

We saw Jellybean moving, waving, flipping all over the place ... I almost cried, he looks like a real (tiny) human now, with clearly distinguishable fingers and toes, facial features, etc. It was exciting to see him in action (and it was Scott's first time seeing him move). Got some great shots of him, including this one that I think is the perfect, quintessential you're really a baby now! pic:

I would love to say that this was the end of the visit and we walked away two teary, proud parents-to-be. Well we did, actually, but of course there was more to it.

They measured the nuchal fold translucency and said it seemed borderline concerning. It was 3.00 mm, and at this gestational age I think they were looking for something in the high twos. However, it wasn't 3.5 which is the measurement at which they sound a real alarm. They said that although most people with these results go on to have normal babies, an increased thickness of the nuchal fold can be indicative of Down Syndrome, heart defects, or other abnormalities.

The first thought that flitted through my mind was - "Of course. We can't have a single appointment where there is nothing but hope and pure joy. Everything up to this point has been a struggle - of course we'll struggle through this pregnancy, too. People go through entire pregnancies barely batting an eye, but everything for us has to be a fight."

I want to say that I dismissed the whiny, ungrateful thought and immediately became simply, glowingly appreciative and zen and all que sera sera about it, but I will be totally honest and say that I will have to work my way up to that. Sometimes in this uphill hike to parenthood, I want more than a sturdy, shaded rock to sit on and a loaf of bread to eat. I want a meadow that is safe and cool and to frolic in and I want a delicious picnic lunch to go with it. I know that this beautiful, sturdy rock is more than we ever thought we'd receive. But it is hard to watch everyone else in the meadow with their picnic lunches while I struggle just to not fall off this rock or drop my loaf of bread. Am I immensely grateful for the rock and the bread? YES. Do I want the meadow and the picnic? YES. Will I ever be invited to the meadow? I don't know. Will I be happy with our loaf of bread? YES. Can I stop wanting the picnic if we're never invited to it? I really, really hope so.

Things I do know:

• Our blessings are significant and innumerable. We live in a beautiful, safe neighborhood with and near family and friends who love us. We have more than enough to eat, clean water, excellent prenatal care.
• We have a strong marriage and will make it through anything God sees fit to send our way.
• The baby is A M A Z I N G. The baby is alive! The baby is moving! The baby is a tremendous gift, one we have been praying for, in whatever form and with whatever gifts and challenges he or she lands in our lives.

P.S. Although there wasn't a good look (because it wasn't the purpose of today's U/S), and there was no money shot, the tech did say that he "maybe" saw "something poking up down there." Team Blue Jellybean!

beary bear

Today: 11W6D

TMI Factor: */5

Bedside mess

Met my new "regular" OBGYN, Dr. R, yesterday. She was perfectly nice but I miss the nurses at ARCH and Drs. H & A, and I miss my old OBGYN, Dr. S. I know connections aren't made in the blink of an eye and I will just have to be patient, but so many things are different here. It's a hectic office shared by three popular docs, and I feel like I'm just a number. Dr. R didn't tell me anything I didn't already know from "What to Expect" or the evil evil internet, but she was nice enough and I feel comfortable enough, I guess, so we'll see how things progress.

Also, no ultrasound yesterday. Boo. But she did use the doppler to pick up baby's heartbeat. Super yay!

Things she said:

• Once first tri is down and nausea has quelled, try to lay off the starches and fried things.
• Cheap prenatal is OK as long as it has DHA/Omega 3.

That's ... pretty much all she said.

I also had five vials of blood drawn for normal prenatal testing, and that was not fun. The good news is ... PIO SHOTS ARE DONE AS OF TOMORROW. Tomorrow is the 12-week mark and we are officially cleared from progesterone shots and Climara patches! However, we still have a whole vial of progesterone and I am planning on continuing the shots til it's used up (I will ask first, however.) Truth be told, I'd do painful, itchy, lumpy PIO shots til Week 40 if it were beneficial for baby.

Hope I am an unremarkable patient with a smooth and uneventful pregnancy from here on out!

Other updates:

• Monday we have our appt at FDC (I would have been so much more disappointed about not getting an U/S with Dr. R if not for this upcoming appointment).
• I ordered bona fide maternity jeans from Gap since I have not fit an actual pair of my own jeans since 6 weeks. They arrived and I tried them on yesterday. There's a bit of elephant-leg going on but the waistbands are good and that's pretty much all that matters.
• Also in the order: a maternity tank (well-designed actually - it's a stretchy tank that'll grow with the belly but also, I believe, follow you back to your pre-pregnancy shape.)
• Annnnd ... a little bear hoodie with little beary-bear ears. I bought it in 3-6 mo size so that Jellybean will get more use out of it but I almost wish I'd gotten 0-3 purely for the instant gratification factor. It's my one baby indulgence 'til we're more ready to make baby-related purchases and investments.

• Without saying the actual name we've picked for a boy, I will say that my brain can't seem to remember it. It's a J-name, and my brain keeps going to Jeremiah, and while that's a cute name, I wouldn't name our child that. My criteria for names: I have to be able to make a cutesy nickname out of it for everyday use (sorry not sorry). It has to mean something positive. It has to sound nice and look nice. No nutty alternative spellings. Anyway we'll see if the J name starts to stick or not. Also there's the slimmest of slim chances that we'll have to think of girl names - but that's less of a problem because I've had those picked out since we started TTC. Ha!
• We found out that our friends are expecting a girl and their due date is the same week as ours! It is awesome to have someone to talk to about the joys and pitfalls of early pregnancy. Esp the MS.
• Speaking of, the MS has been a trickster lately. It migrated to late afternoons and evenings. Then it shifted to after dinner. Then it moved to right after lunch. One day, it didn't come at all. The next day, it hung around from morning to night. One thing is pretty consistent though - once it arrives, it sticks around for the remainder of the day, all the way through to bedtime.

Can't wait for Monday (genetic counseling and ultrasound at FDC.) It would be a side bonus to get a peek at the nub and a guess as to the gender, but since I'm already 99% certain it's a boy, all I really want is to see him swimming around and waving hi again.

baby says hi

Today: 10W5D

TMI Factor: */5

I think it's because I have zero muscle tone in my abs that everything has just ... popped out like this:

Being 10 weeks + 4 days and looking closer to 20 weeks ... 

Anyway I don't want this to become a Morning Sickness journal but I do want to note that it's been pretty yucky at night! I'm extremely lucky in the grand scheme of things - no vomiting whatsoever, and the nausea, while sporadic during the day and worse at night, is pretty low-grade.

This is the longest I've gone between appointments. I don't see Dr. R til NEXT WEEK! In that way I'm thankful for this nausea - it's like the baby saying hi to us. Well, to me. But although I try to keep the complaints to a minimum, Scott does get an earful sometimes. So, it is like the baby saying hi to both of us. Hehe!

ten weeks!

Today: 10W0D

TMI Factor: */5

Bedside survival supplies

MS has been notable the past couple of days. It's been shifting to the late afternoons and evenings. My routine, recently: Wake up feeling pretty good; eat something easy for breakfast - as of late, it's been pudding, an English muffin, and orange juice; for the rest of the day try to eat small meals and snacks with protein, like crackers and peanut butter, until dinner. Dinner is usually pretty normal-sized. After the PIO shot and just before bed, I usually have a snack so I can take my prenatal. I know I should tweak things so that I'm eating protein first thing - eggs, peanut butter, something.

For lunch today we had chicken/mozz sandwiches and a potato-filled chicken corn chowder. Took a nap and just now had a turkey burger and OJ. It used to be that as soon as I ate, I'd feel better. Now I feel slightly better, because the empty stomach feeling goes away, but still queasy. However, as my next appt isn't until Sept. 25, MS reassures me that things are okay, that baby is happy (sick mommy = healthy baby, right?) so I will be just as sick as I have to be for as long as I have to be. I'm trying to drink lots of water, or at least as much as I'm supposed to be drinking, but sometimes water tastes so gross that I get by with juice instead. (And again, the sugars.)

Felt like I was raring to go this morning, so I vacuumed, moved some (very light) furniture around, stripped the bed. At about 11:30 I felt completely exhausted and sick, so Scott went to get our lunch and I pretty much collapsed on the couch til he got back. The heat has been disgusting lately.

Last night we went to Babies R Us to look around and "get some ideas." I thought it was going to be fun but for some reason I mentally checked out right after the car seat aisle. It's all so overwhelming. There is too much to look at, it's ridiculously expensive, one thing depends on another, reviews are mixed, etc. Breast pump, $400. Car seat, $300. Stroller that fits the car seat carrier component, $300. Pack N Play, $200. Video baby monitor w/infrared night vision, $250. Plus all the things that are just "nice" to have but deemed by veteran parents completely unnecessary to puchase: Diaper Genie, wipe warmer, bottle disinfection system, pump accessories, etc. It isn't even the money (although sticker shock was undeniable.) It was the sheer quantity of choices you have for every imaginable (and thus-far unimagined) product available. Colors, models, functions, styles, materials, systems.

ARghghghghghgh.

But then an incredible blessing shone through the Clouds of Overwhelming Despair. Karlene texted that her colleague was giving away - as in, for free - a very high quality car seat with several bases, a breast pump, a swing, a Boppy pillow and a high chair. On top of this, Dad found a Pack N Play that might actually be usable.

!!!

I am making a mental note that for all the kindness and prayers that people have been showering us with, we need to pay it forward in a big way.

That's it for now. I leave you with this, a picture that made me LOL in Babies R Us but may well be my near future:

'ello, Swimmy!

Today: 9W6D

TMI Factor: **/5

Had an ultrasound yesterday, which I think might be my last at Drs. H & A ... I've loved them, loved the staff, always felt important and cared for. I couldn't have asked for better doctors to help us get on the unpredictable road to parenthood. I'm sad to be graduating! But happy of course because letting me go means they think I've progressed enough to be considered 'normal' ... so off I go, into the hands of a new OBGYN on the 25th.

I'm always happy to see baby, but aside from the first U/S, at which I saw everything for the first time - gestational sac, embryo, and heartbeat - this was the first appointment at which I felt like I was walking on air. Maybe the actual first because that initial U/S also came with a significant downer (possible heterotopic). But today - total excitement! I saw the baby MOVING! Saw arms and legs, hands and even fingers! And baby waved and moved about, and I was OVERJOYED. God is Good!

Notable: When I saw Swimmy moving around in there, my first thought was, I need to knock off the soda and eat better in general. I have a real live Swimmy in there! I've been giving in to cravings for sweet, cold bubbly things. Sugar in general actually. Been starting each morning with chilled guava nectar, which besides a whopping dose of vitamin C contains not much of anything but sugar. Also, discovered that my lovely little chocolate pudding cups have 30% DV calcium! ... But that's also another source of sugar and otherwise empty calories. So, gotta get strategic.

The problem is of course morning sickness (nowadays it's yuckier in the afternoon) and what will easily go down the hatch. Trying to limit my sugar to a mango Frutare popsicle or one other sugary thing a day, but it's tough especially because water sometimes tastes so icky. Today I was really bad and got a Mango-a-Go-Go at Jamba Juice, but I made sure to order a small and only finish half.

Anyway, back to the appointment: We got downgrade instructions for the progesterone shots (we can go down to 1 cc starting Week 11 and stop at 12!). Also, I got a flu shot and later freaked out about it (granola moms online going off about thimerasol and how if we're avoiding fish due to the mercury, why would we vaccinate ourselves with this poisonous crap?) ... I quickly realized these are the same people who do not vaccinate their children and got my head back on straight. I do want to note that it was a super painful shot and that my arm hurt all day and it might have been punishment for my hubris - thinking, no big deal, I get a PIO shot daily, this won't even compare. Well it compared and it won.) 

I got an ultrasound printout but the parts aren't that clearly defined so I won't post it. I will however put up this delightful pic of this morning's post-Jamba Juice belly (I'd post a profile pic but I look 20 weeks pregnant so no way):

Tomorrow: 10 weeks!

Things I want to eat/drink but have been strong about so far: Subway sandwiches, Starbucks pumpkin spice latte, Pepsi.

Things I wasn't supposed to eat/drink but caved on a little: spicy ahi (just one piece of maki), Mug root beer (caffeine-free but a total sugar bomb.)

No more appointments til my first with Dr. R, on the 25th (11W5D), then FDC on 9/29 (12W2D) for genetic counseling and OB/ultrasound screening.

gag

Today: 8W2D

TMI Factor: **/5

So close to throwing up today. Ingested: spam, eggs and rice (AM.) English muffin and grapes (lunch.) Lime popsicle (late afternoon.) Planned: PIZZA NIGHT WITH THE BROTHERS TONIGHT. Hope I enjoy the extra-saucy pizza that I've been craving for over a week. MS is so weird. It's not like my stomach is churning, and almost no smells (except my once-favorite B&BW candle) make me feel ill. It's more like the constant feeling of a finger in my throat.

Also, I seem to have heightened sensitivity to salt. I hope that doesn't ruin pizza night!