it's beginning to look a lot like ...

Today: 17W2D

Nyeek - Halloween and its piles of chocolate and the beginnings of holiday celebrations are wreaking havoc on my willpower. I am usually able to regulate by reminding myself that whatever I eat has a direct impact on baby - now and in the future. (I read that if you consume a lot of sugar during pregnancy, babies show a preference for sugary tastes when they're born.)

The most exciting news I have right now is that as of sometime last week, I'm now able to feel baby MOVE! I can usually feel him fluttering about if I lie flat on my back and put my hand on my tummy about half an hour or so after a meal - it feels like a small tap or series of taps on my hand. But sometimes even just sitting or standing still, I can feel him tumbling away. It's a very slight sensation, usually just a few flutters or taps before he settles (or, I don't know, moves away?)

MS is all but gone, but I do still get tired easily esp during my afternoons at the chocolate shop. I try to sit as much as possible (I read that standing too long during pregnancy is bad for you - I wonder if I read too much) but still by the end of my relatively easy shift, I am beat. It's good to be out of the house for those few hours a week, though.

We did our follow-up blood test for spina bifida, which came back negative (yay!) and are looking forward to next Monday's anatomy scan and the hospital tour that we have scheduled later this month. Been having issues with our condo association and plumbing matters, and every time I feel my stress levels climbing I try to remember the only thing that matters is our family. At the end of the day, money is only money, other people's words and opinions are theirs and not ours to worry about, and we have these countless blessings to cherish.

And the holidays are upon us! Last year I PROMISED myself and Scott that we would do the holidays right this year. We had a three-year slump after Mom passed, and last year was worst. Absolutely the last straw. We did absolutely nothing to celebrate - didn't clean, bake, decorate the house, nothing. This year, I'm getting my Mom pants on early and we're all following my lead. I already baked my first pumpkin-flavored dessert and am planning what our living room Christmas decorations are going to look like. We're dressing up, we're getting a tree, we're going to church, we're accepting invitations and extending some of our own as well. No more icky dreary Christmases. We are moving from upstairs to downstairs, and I think that will help. I think half the time, the living room is a mess because it's largely unused. (Right now it's just storage space for all the awesome baby stuff that people have been giving us.) But once we move downstairs and are regular users of the living room, I'm sure there will be much more motivation to get in the holiday spirit and spruce it up (ha, pun intended).

up and about

Today: 15W5D

I should have updated much sooner: NIPT came back negative for Down Syndrome and trisomy 13/18. Thank you God! I had already somewhat started wrapping my mind around having a special needs child (and there is no guarantee that he won't be a special needs child, even with this early bit of good news) and the one thing I constantly reminded myself was: Down Syndrome would be just a small part of his identity. (By the way in case you couldn't tell - we do know for sure: It's a BOY!) But yes, people tend to assign utmost importance, identity-wise, to any disability a child is born with or develops - I am guilty of this too. In the long days of waiting for the call, I read a lot of wise words and talked to many people who pointed out that a child is so much more than his limitations.

:)

Morning sickness has subsided a lot - sometimes there's a sneak attack of nausea but it's usually a pretty quick bout. My challenge these days is not eating too much at a time, because when I do feel waves of nausea it's usually after eating. I should be eating smaller, more frequent meals, and I should cut out the soda and sugary crap. I have cut back on the sugars, but not as severely as I should have. Still working on it. I usually give into any cravings I have for fast food or a midday Sprunch, but I try to balance this out by drinking a lot of water and eating a lot of vegetables and fruit at other meals. My one hybrid of fast food and health food: Subway Veggie Delight. Basically a sandwich of lettuce, tomatoes, green bells, cucumbers, pickles, olives and cheese. The good is of course the veggies. The bad is the bread (it's really a lot of bread) and the fact that to most sandwich artists, "very little mayo" means "half the bottle, please." I just want to jump behind the counter and make my own sandwich. I'd almost entirely skip the lettuce and instead would pack the sandwich with bells, tomatoes, and cucumbers before topping it with just the right amount of savories.

I'm considering switching OBGYNs, not because there is something seriously wrong with my doc but because I don't feel a very strong connection with her and I feel like a very small fish in a very large sea of patients. I want to be able to say (for example), how do you know my progesterone and estrogen levels are okay, could you check them? a) without sounding like I think I know more than her and b) without being pegged as one of those patients. I feel like since I was released from Drs. H and A, I've been reclassified as Totally Normal - and while, if I truly am, that is great, we did spend five years on a long road to get here and none of my concerns are trivial. This is a precious gift and I've been entrusted to care for it and stick up for it and until I'm holding a warm bundle in my arms I'm not sure I will really ever feel Totally Normal. My appointments are once a month, have not had one ultrasound with her yet (although I know I had a disproportionate amount with Drs. H and A - not inappropriate for my needs but disproportionate in terms of what most people usually get.) Fortunately I've had a few peeks via FDC, and we have our Anatomy Scan (level II ultrasound) coming up in November.

I've been following SomedayMama on YouTube - great, uplifting bi-weekly videos chronicling her IVF pregnancy with twins. She's now at thirty-something weeks and says the time has just flown by. I feel like it's crawling ... maybe because for so many of my so-far-15 weeks I was on bed rest and/or walking gingerly around the house and nothing more. Maybe now that I am busier, time will march on a little faster? Which brings me to ...

In other news, I've started working part-time at our friends' chocolate boutique! Just two days a week, 3 to 4 hours at a time. It is my first minimum-wage job ever, and I'm very excited to be productive outside of the house a couple times a week! I get to work a couple of upcoming Saturdays, too, including one event at Williams-Sonoma, which should be tiring but a lot of fun.

Between chocolate-ing and picking up just a little bit more housework now that I'm less sick, I've been working on our Babies R Us registry (currently under an alias - I don't know why I care, but I don't want to appear hyper-anxious, although if anyone was looking me up this early, that would make them equally as anxious, blah blah blah, too much time to think about these things!) It's fun but every decision (for big-ticket items anyway) requires a lot of research. So far I've put a lot of big and small things on there - mostly because BRU offers a 10% gift card return on all purchases once you've hit a certain dollar amount. It can be from items people have bought for you, or that you've bought for yourself. I know a lot of the purchases will be made by us, I do not expect shower gifts costing hundreds of dollars. My idea of a great low-key shower: bring us a pack of diapers or an ironic onesie and come eat some food with us and I will be more than thrilled! I wish there were a way to "cover up" some things on the registry so that people who search it do not seriously think I'd ask for a $300 stroller as a gift.

Coming up next week: second part of the blood test screening, to be done at Clinical Labs (YAY, it's so close to home). I think this one screens for spina bifida and some other stuff, but I'm not 100% sure. May borrow a Doppler to check in on baby every once in awhile but haven't decided if this is a good idea or a not-so-good one yet. We'll see!

the rock and the meadow

Today: 12W2D

TMI Factor: I think I can do away with this feature for now.

Today we had an ultrasound + genetic counseling sesh at Fetal Diagnostic. Genetic counseling was brief because we only had to to Scott's family's medical history and there's not much there in terms of remarkable illnesses or disorders. Of course because of our IVF and my age, they offered us a variety of tests for stuff like Down Syndrome, trisomy 13/18, etc. They did the nuchal fold translucency scan as part of the ultrasound, and we also opted for the NIPT - non-invasive prenatal testing (a simple blood draw to test for the aforementioned abnormalities.)

We saw Jellybean moving, waving, flipping all over the place ... I almost cried, he looks like a real (tiny) human now, with clearly distinguishable fingers and toes, facial features, etc. It was exciting to see him in action (and it was Scott's first time seeing him move). Got some great shots of him, including this one that I think is the perfect, quintessential you're really a baby now! pic:

I would love to say that this was the end of the visit and we walked away two teary, proud parents-to-be. Well we did, actually, but of course there was more to it.

They measured the nuchal fold translucency and said it seemed borderline concerning. It was 3.00 mm, and at this gestational age I think they were looking for something in the high twos. However, it wasn't 3.5 which is the measurement at which they sound a real alarm. They said that although most people with these results go on to have normal babies, an increased thickness of the nuchal fold can be indicative of Down Syndrome, heart defects, or other abnormalities.

The first thought that flitted through my mind was - "Of course. We can't have a single appointment where there is nothing but hope and pure joy. Everything up to this point has been a struggle - of course we'll struggle through this pregnancy, too. People go through entire pregnancies barely batting an eye, but everything for us has to be a fight."

I want to say that I dismissed the whiny, ungrateful thought and immediately became simply, glowingly appreciative and zen and all que sera sera about it, but I will be totally honest and say that I will have to work my way up to that. Sometimes in this uphill hike to parenthood, I want more than a sturdy, shaded rock to sit on and a loaf of bread to eat. I want a meadow that is safe and cool and to frolic in and I want a delicious picnic lunch to go with it. I know that this beautiful, sturdy rock is more than we ever thought we'd receive. But it is hard to watch everyone else in the meadow with their picnic lunches while I struggle just to not fall off this rock or drop my loaf of bread. Am I immensely grateful for the rock and the bread? YES. Do I want the meadow and the picnic? YES. Will I ever be invited to the meadow? I don't know. Will I be happy with our loaf of bread? YES. Can I stop wanting the picnic if we're never invited to it? I really, really hope so.

Things I do know:

• Our blessings are significant and innumerable. We live in a beautiful, safe neighborhood with and near family and friends who love us. We have more than enough to eat, clean water, excellent prenatal care.
• We have a strong marriage and will make it through anything God sees fit to send our way.
• The baby is A M A Z I N G. The baby is alive! The baby is moving! The baby is a tremendous gift, one we have been praying for, in whatever form and with whatever gifts and challenges he or she lands in our lives.

P.S. Although there wasn't a good look (because it wasn't the purpose of today's U/S), and there was no money shot, the tech did say that he "maybe" saw "something poking up down there." Team Blue Jellybean!

beary bear

Today: 11W6D

TMI Factor: */5

Bedside mess

Met my new "regular" OBGYN, Dr. R, yesterday. She was perfectly nice but I miss the nurses at ARCH and Drs. H & A, and I miss my old OBGYN, Dr. S. I know connections aren't made in the blink of an eye and I will just have to be patient, but so many things are different here. It's a hectic office shared by three popular docs, and I feel like I'm just a number. Dr. R didn't tell me anything I didn't already know from "What to Expect" or the evil evil internet, but she was nice enough and I feel comfortable enough, I guess, so we'll see how things progress.

Also, no ultrasound yesterday. Boo. But she did use the doppler to pick up baby's heartbeat. Super yay!

Things she said:

• Once first tri is down and nausea has quelled, try to lay off the starches and fried things.
• Cheap prenatal is OK as long as it has DHA/Omega 3.

That's ... pretty much all she said.

I also had five vials of blood drawn for normal prenatal testing, and that was not fun. The good news is ... PIO SHOTS ARE DONE AS OF TOMORROW. Tomorrow is the 12-week mark and we are officially cleared from progesterone shots and Climara patches! However, we still have a whole vial of progesterone and I am planning on continuing the shots til it's used up (I will ask first, however.) Truth be told, I'd do painful, itchy, lumpy PIO shots til Week 40 if it were beneficial for baby.

Hope I am an unremarkable patient with a smooth and uneventful pregnancy from here on out!

Other updates:

• Monday we have our appt at FDC (I would have been so much more disappointed about not getting an U/S with Dr. R if not for this upcoming appointment).
• I ordered bona fide maternity jeans from Gap since I have not fit an actual pair of my own jeans since 6 weeks. They arrived and I tried them on yesterday. There's a bit of elephant-leg going on but the waistbands are good and that's pretty much all that matters.
• Also in the order: a maternity tank (well-designed actually - it's a stretchy tank that'll grow with the belly but also, I believe, follow you back to your pre-pregnancy shape.)
• Annnnd ... a little bear hoodie with little beary-bear ears. I bought it in 3-6 mo size so that Jellybean will get more use out of it but I almost wish I'd gotten 0-3 purely for the instant gratification factor. It's my one baby indulgence 'til we're more ready to make baby-related purchases and investments.

• Without saying the actual name we've picked for a boy, I will say that my brain can't seem to remember it. It's a J-name, and my brain keeps going to Jeremiah, and while that's a cute name, I wouldn't name our child that. My criteria for names: I have to be able to make a cutesy nickname out of it for everyday use (sorry not sorry). It has to mean something positive. It has to sound nice and look nice. No nutty alternative spellings. Anyway we'll see if the J name starts to stick or not. Also there's the slimmest of slim chances that we'll have to think of girl names - but that's less of a problem because I've had those picked out since we started TTC. Ha!
• We found out that our friends are expecting a girl and their due date is the same week as ours! It is awesome to have someone to talk to about the joys and pitfalls of early pregnancy. Esp the MS.
• Speaking of, the MS has been a trickster lately. It migrated to late afternoons and evenings. Then it shifted to after dinner. Then it moved to right after lunch. One day, it didn't come at all. The next day, it hung around from morning to night. One thing is pretty consistent though - once it arrives, it sticks around for the remainder of the day, all the way through to bedtime.

Can't wait for Monday (genetic counseling and ultrasound at FDC.) It would be a side bonus to get a peek at the nub and a guess as to the gender, but since I'm already 99% certain it's a boy, all I really want is to see him swimming around and waving hi again.

baby says hi

Today: 10W5D

TMI Factor: */5

I think it's because I have zero muscle tone in my abs that everything has just ... popped out like this:

Being 10 weeks + 4 days and looking closer to 20 weeks ... 

Anyway I don't want this to become a Morning Sickness journal but I do want to note that it's been pretty yucky at night! I'm extremely lucky in the grand scheme of things - no vomiting whatsoever, and the nausea, while sporadic during the day and worse at night, is pretty low-grade.

This is the longest I've gone between appointments. I don't see Dr. R til NEXT WEEK! In that way I'm thankful for this nausea - it's like the baby saying hi to us. Well, to me. But although I try to keep the complaints to a minimum, Scott does get an earful sometimes. So, it is like the baby saying hi to both of us. Hehe!

ten weeks!

Today: 10W0D

TMI Factor: */5

Bedside survival supplies

MS has been notable the past couple of days. It's been shifting to the late afternoons and evenings. My routine, recently: Wake up feeling pretty good; eat something easy for breakfast - as of late, it's been pudding, an English muffin, and orange juice; for the rest of the day try to eat small meals and snacks with protein, like crackers and peanut butter, until dinner. Dinner is usually pretty normal-sized. After the PIO shot and just before bed, I usually have a snack so I can take my prenatal. I know I should tweak things so that I'm eating protein first thing - eggs, peanut butter, something.

For lunch today we had chicken/mozz sandwiches and a potato-filled chicken corn chowder. Took a nap and just now had a turkey burger and OJ. It used to be that as soon as I ate, I'd feel better. Now I feel slightly better, because the empty stomach feeling goes away, but still queasy. However, as my next appt isn't until Sept. 25, MS reassures me that things are okay, that baby is happy (sick mommy = healthy baby, right?) so I will be just as sick as I have to be for as long as I have to be. I'm trying to drink lots of water, or at least as much as I'm supposed to be drinking, but sometimes water tastes so gross that I get by with juice instead. (And again, the sugars.)

Felt like I was raring to go this morning, so I vacuumed, moved some (very light) furniture around, stripped the bed. At about 11:30 I felt completely exhausted and sick, so Scott went to get our lunch and I pretty much collapsed on the couch til he got back. The heat has been disgusting lately.

Last night we went to Babies R Us to look around and "get some ideas." I thought it was going to be fun but for some reason I mentally checked out right after the car seat aisle. It's all so overwhelming. There is too much to look at, it's ridiculously expensive, one thing depends on another, reviews are mixed, etc. Breast pump, $400. Car seat, $300. Stroller that fits the car seat carrier component, $300. Pack N Play, $200. Video baby monitor w/infrared night vision, $250. Plus all the things that are just "nice" to have but deemed by veteran parents completely unnecessary to puchase: Diaper Genie, wipe warmer, bottle disinfection system, pump accessories, etc. It isn't even the money (although sticker shock was undeniable.) It was the sheer quantity of choices you have for every imaginable (and thus-far unimagined) product available. Colors, models, functions, styles, materials, systems.

ARghghghghghgh.

But then an incredible blessing shone through the Clouds of Overwhelming Despair. Karlene texted that her colleague was giving away - as in, for free - a very high quality car seat with several bases, a breast pump, a swing, a Boppy pillow and a high chair. On top of this, Dad found a Pack N Play that might actually be usable.

!!!

I am making a mental note that for all the kindness and prayers that people have been showering us with, we need to pay it forward in a big way.

That's it for now. I leave you with this, a picture that made me LOL in Babies R Us but may well be my near future:

'ello, Swimmy!

Today: 9W6D

TMI Factor: **/5

Had an ultrasound yesterday, which I think might be my last at Drs. H & A ... I've loved them, loved the staff, always felt important and cared for. I couldn't have asked for better doctors to help us get on the unpredictable road to parenthood. I'm sad to be graduating! But happy of course because letting me go means they think I've progressed enough to be considered 'normal' ... so off I go, into the hands of a new OBGYN on the 25th.

I'm always happy to see baby, but aside from the first U/S, at which I saw everything for the first time - gestational sac, embryo, and heartbeat - this was the first appointment at which I felt like I was walking on air. Maybe the actual first because that initial U/S also came with a significant downer (possible heterotopic). But today - total excitement! I saw the baby MOVING! Saw arms and legs, hands and even fingers! And baby waved and moved about, and I was OVERJOYED. God is Good!

Notable: When I saw Swimmy moving around in there, my first thought was, I need to knock off the soda and eat better in general. I have a real live Swimmy in there! I've been giving in to cravings for sweet, cold bubbly things. Sugar in general actually. Been starting each morning with chilled guava nectar, which besides a whopping dose of vitamin C contains not much of anything but sugar. Also, discovered that my lovely little chocolate pudding cups have 30% DV calcium! ... But that's also another source of sugar and otherwise empty calories. So, gotta get strategic.

The problem is of course morning sickness (nowadays it's yuckier in the afternoon) and what will easily go down the hatch. Trying to limit my sugar to a mango Frutare popsicle or one other sugary thing a day, but it's tough especially because water sometimes tastes so icky. Today I was really bad and got a Mango-a-Go-Go at Jamba Juice, but I made sure to order a small and only finish half.

Anyway, back to the appointment: We got downgrade instructions for the progesterone shots (we can go down to 1 cc starting Week 11 and stop at 12!). Also, I got a flu shot and later freaked out about it (granola moms online going off about thimerasol and how if we're avoiding fish due to the mercury, why would we vaccinate ourselves with this poisonous crap?) ... I quickly realized these are the same people who do not vaccinate their children and got my head back on straight. I do want to note that it was a super painful shot and that my arm hurt all day and it might have been punishment for my hubris - thinking, no big deal, I get a PIO shot daily, this won't even compare. Well it compared and it won.) 

I got an ultrasound printout but the parts aren't that clearly defined so I won't post it. I will however put up this delightful pic of this morning's post-Jamba Juice belly (I'd post a profile pic but I look 20 weeks pregnant so no way):

Tomorrow: 10 weeks!

Things I want to eat/drink but have been strong about so far: Subway sandwiches, Starbucks pumpkin spice latte, Pepsi.

Things I wasn't supposed to eat/drink but caved on a little: spicy ahi (just one piece of maki), Mug root beer (caffeine-free but a total sugar bomb.)

No more appointments til my first with Dr. R, on the 25th (11W5D), then FDC on 9/29 (12W2D) for genetic counseling and OB/ultrasound screening.

gag

Today: 8W2D

TMI Factor: **/5

So close to throwing up today. Ingested: spam, eggs and rice (AM.) English muffin and grapes (lunch.) Lime popsicle (late afternoon.) Planned: PIZZA NIGHT WITH THE BROTHERS TONIGHT. Hope I enjoy the extra-saucy pizza that I've been craving for over a week. MS is so weird. It's not like my stomach is churning, and almost no smells (except my once-favorite B&BW candle) make me feel ill. It's more like the constant feeling of a finger in my throat.

Also, I seem to have heightened sensitivity to salt. I hope that doesn't ruin pizza night!

the bathroom counter

Today: 8W0D

TMI Factor: */5 unless you hate needles.

Yesterday's scan was great. A few nerve-wracking moments as usual - the sac is now big enough that it jumps out at you as soon as the probe is in, but they don't zero in on baby until measuring the uterus, looking at the ovaries, etc. So every time it glances over the sac, I look for the telltale glimmer of the heartbeat - which of course you can't see until you're concentrated on it and the probe is nice and still. Uterus, good, ovaries, great, ah, there's the Jellybean. Heart beating away at 173 bpm, CRL now at 15 mm. Grow, baby, grow!

Dr. A pretty much said at this point she thinks the chances of there being an ectopic in the tube is zero. So that was great news. Baby is measuring well, and that was great news. I said a prayer of thanksgiving to Saint Gerard after the scan, and tucked the new printout into my purse. It's downstairs on the fridge and I'm too lazy to get it right now, but what I do have is ... bathroom counter pics.

I'm documenting the bathroom counter because we go through PIO shots every night, and it's gone from a good experience to a pretty bad one, but it's something we do together and it's an important part of this journey. This is what the bathroom counter looks like on any given day:

1) A 3 mL syringe w/23-gauge needle (which gets promptly discarded and replaced with the scary pink one (18G). That is used to draw up the PIO (1.5 mL). Then the 18G gets thrown away and is replaced with the friendlier 25G (blue), which is the one used to administer the shot.

2) The actual PIO (in a vial in the white and blue box.)

3) Climara (estradiol) patch.

A closer look at my friends

Band-aids.

We're now at eight weeks, about two-thirds of the way through the first trimester. A month or so until we can tell more people! Sickness has been manageable, I've been getting out and about more during the day, been baking, talking to friends, etc. I have already broken out the belly bands since my pants won't button, and I no longer care that that the bulk is just fat and not yet a baby bump. He's in there somewhere. Hopefully the queasiness will subside soon, and I can get back on a healthier eating regimen. So far today I've had two Eggos and a banana. Last night's dinner was chicken cacciatore. I could not get enough vegetables - tomatoes, bell peppers, celery - but I haven't enjoyed chicken in several weeks. I don't know if it has anything to do with pregnancy, though, because I was kind of turned off chicken before the whole thing started. Too bad because it's the easiest lean protein with no warnings attached. (Fish is so controversial I just avoid it altogether.)

I'd kill for a Subway sandwich ...

not pie day

Today: 7W4D

TMI Factor: */5

From Monday's scan at FDC:

According to the sonographer and the doctor, everything looks good. JB is on target, growth and heartbeat wise, and as for the FOW, they aren't concerned. (Dr. H said to remain vigilant, though, so I am.) Been attentive to crampiness, spotting, etc. ... I try not to worry (honestly, I feel like an absolute champ, cool as a maternal cucumber, considering my worrisome nature and how freaked out I could be about every twinge). The doc said that once you see a good healthy heartbeat, the chance of miscarriage drops to about 5%. That sounded a little too good to be true considering how many stories I've read on BabyCenter, the Bump, etc., but 1) I did not go to med school, my awesome doctors didm and 2) my ONE JOB was to stay off the discussion boards. I am still working on that.

A whimsical tummy snap taken today (I got dressed, a once-a-week occurrence - I figured it warranted a pic):

I can't wait til the roundness is actually baby and not this lovely combo of gas and bloating and sheer fat from the less-than-stellar diet I've been keeping. (Still doing my best to eat fresh fruits and vegetables and lean protein at least once a day, but a lot of the queasy hours are filled with salt and vinegar potato chips, Eggo, and Sprite.) So far today I've eaten: toast with butter and jelly, part of a nectarine, a frozen dinner ("chicken parm"), chips, and a piece of the chocolate chip cookie bar I made this afternoon, which frankly is way disgusting because I used too many chocolate chips and also the salt didn't get mixed into the batter very well. I suck.

I was supposed to dry-run an apple pie recipe for "Thanksgiving dinner" to be held on Sunday with the fam. However, after I bought the ingredients, I stopped for gas and while I was filling up, I felt my blood sugar plummet (how it did at Dr. K's) so I drove home, ate the frozen dinner, and took a nap. There was no way I was baking a pie after that, so I settled for the chocolate chip mess. Oh well, maybe tomorrow I'll feel like pie.

roast beef and cheese roll up

Today: 7W1D

TMI factor: */5

Another ultrasound at Fetal Diagnostic Center tmw. I am trying to learn how to be more excited than fearful before these appointments; I know that's probably an exercise in futility, bc how to you teach yourself to feel a certain way? Hopefully, we will get used to receiving good news and will stop being so fearful. I just can't take anything for granted right now. I want to shop for maternity jeans and think of names ... and I do ... but with a lot of caution. Some might ask why I'm so afraid of miscarriage. Logically, we've had one chemical pregnancy (mc) amid five years of nothing, and can reasonably expect a smooth pregnancy since we've gotten this far. Right? I just can't wait for the end of the first trimester. I pray for the duration and the end and the beginning of the next. I take nothing for granted, i put it all in the hands of God, and I know that means we shouldn't be worrying ("Worrying does not change the outcome") but it's against my nature not to worry a little. I just try to spend more time praying than worrying and so far we have been very blessed.

On Friday we had an ultrasound with Drs. H and A - they're still keeping an eye on what will heretofore be known as the "fibroid or whatever" (fow) - and we got to see the Jellybean. They said he's measuring just right, good heart rate, yay! And then I had an appointment with Dr. K. For whatever reason, in the middle of our session, my blood sugar plummeted and I nearly fainted. So embarrassing - she offered me part of her lunch and I had to eat it. I ATE MY THERAPIST'S LUNCH. Lesson learned: always have snacks in my purse. We went to Pho Mai afterwards where of course I didn't want my pho once it was in front of me.

Will check in tomorrow!

down the hatch

Today: 6W5D

TMI factor: **/5

Been experiencing on-and-off queasiness for the past three days or so. No puking, just feeling "off" about certain foods. Really wanted a grilled cheese sandwich a few days ago, but when I finally got it, I didn't want it anymore. Then I was dying for tortilla chips and salsa, but now processed tomatoes sound yucky. Been trying to eat sensibly but nothing really appeals. Had a bowl of granola and part of an egg this morning. Kona stole the rest of the egg when I got up to get the paper. I halfheartedly scolded him but I probably wasn't going to finish it anyway. I did ask Scott to pick up the following things from the store on his way home today: lemon-lime soda, English muffins, potato chips, a bell pepper, a cucumber, and some tomatoes, and when he got home I toasted and buttered a muffin and it was the only thing I'd eaten all day that tasted great. Ate the bell pepper for dinner - YUM. Feel pretty good right now!

Something that hasn't been great: the PIO shots. They started off just fine - intramuscular injections of progesterone in oil. No big. Scott was nervous at first but who wouldn't be? The first couple of weeks were a breeze. The nurse drew circles on my butt so that we'd put the needle in the right place. I even looked forward to doing them because 1) we were doing them together and 2) after the nurse explained that the progesterone preps and keeps the uterine lining optimal for baby, it felt like the one daily thing we could do to "take care of the baby" (besides choking down the prenatal every morning). But in the past couple of weeks, the shots have gone from breezy to uncomfortable to bad to torturous. I'm not sure if we hit the sciatic nerve (on both sides?) but there's a weird numbness AND itching going down both legs. There are also lumps everywhere. A few times, I bled when the needle came out. And twice now, there's been an acute pain for the duration of the shot (usually about 30 seconds, I think, but I'm going to time it tonight.) I may ask if I can switch to suppositories, but if they tell me that the shots are better overall, I'll just soldier on. I think it's another 6 or 7 weeks.

Tomorrow's our ultrasound. Scott is taking off work so we can go together. Praying that we see our baby's sweet little heartbeat going strong and steady!

not so special ...

... but oh so thankful.

Today: 6W2D.

TMI factor: */5

Two follow-up appointments later, I *think* the heterotopic scare is behind us. I think, I hope. I pray, pray, pray. Drs at Fetal Diagnostic and at the regular office think the mass is a fibroid - nothing too concerning at this time. Whatever it is hasn't grown or moved, THANK. GOD. I have no more right (or left) side pain. Big sighs of profound relief. We will of course keep an eye on everything. I am so happy to NOT be 1 in 15,000 right now.

Also, the spotting seems to have stopped. I kind of thought it might start up again, especially with all the poking and prodding and t/v ultrasounds - but so far, so spotless. Today Dr. A said that about 50% of their patients experience some type of early pregnancy bleeding, which was meant to be reassuring, but any bleeding in the region where the baby is is just disconcerting. Just happy mine seems to have stopped for now.

Finally, I asked the FD doc why the line on my HPTs is getting lighter. She said it's because pregnancy hormones fluctuate - and after the initial rise, they taper off or even diminish. (Yes, she also said to stop POAS. Actually this morning was the first morning that I hadn't done it since the beta. Must ... be ... strong!)

We have another appointment Friday with Drs. H/A (6W6D), which was supposed to have been our first glimpse at Jellybean, but we've already seen him three times, and twice I've heard and seen his heartbeat. That, and an increased appreciation for uneventful hours and days, are the two good things that have come out of this whole freak-out.

Jellybean should actually be called Minibean because the CRL is something like an eighth of an inch. I forget what it is in mm, but today's sonographer drew a little speech bubble from the GS that said "I'M SOOOOO TINY." He tried to print it out for me but it didn't come out, which was ok because for whatever reason, I was not feeling all that humorous.

Still no classic symptoms except wanting to nap all the time, which is not out of the norm for me. (People think I'm joking when I say that ... I'm so not.) Actually I have been feeling some floating queasiness here and there, but it's pretty sporadic and goes away when I eat. They say boys cause less morning sickness than girls; let's hope that's true. (Yes, I'm putting a LOT of stock in that Chinese gender chart.)

Scott's nephew's son is now 6 months old, and his niece's son will be born in January. If ours is a boy, there will be utter pandemonium at family Sundays for the next few years. Praying for pandemonium. But for now ... it's naptime!

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." - 1 Thessalonians 5:18

 

6 weeks 0 days. (Most of this pooch is UCC Judd Street luau food.)

blue jellybean

By the way, according to the Chinese gender chart:

It's a boy!!

1 in 15,000

Today: 5W5D

TMI factor: **/5

So, yesterday (5W4D)  I called my RE's office as soon as I got up. I described the dull poking pains (they could hardly be described as painful, actually, but they were in a place that I didn't like) to the nurse, and she said that although Dr. H wasn't too concerned,  I should still come in so they could rule out ectopic pregnancy.

(I was so glad they said it and I didn't have to suggest it - I know it's important to advocate for yourself but I hate coming off like a Google-crazy backseat-driving patient.)

I went in, honestly not very worried. They did an ultrasound, looking first for a normal, intrauterine pregnancy, warning me that we wouldn't be able to detect much at 5 weeks 5 days. We saw the gestational sac (which for me was super exciting - although it was pretty much a black circle.) Then we swung over to the ovaries/fallopian tube area, and there was a little grainy - okay to be honest, I can never see what they see. The whole thing is a grainy gray mess no matter how hard I look. I could make out a wiry looking thing that was identified as my tube, but as for the abnormal growth they saw, I could not see it.

Dr. H still wasn't too concerned, but he did call Fetal Diagnostic down the hall and asked if they could squeeze me in that afternoon. He said they'd be able to see more because they had the "really good" ultrasound machines. So I went to the cafeteria, tried to choke down an ultra dry chicken sandwich, failed, ate some fries instead, and headed to FD.

The technician checked first for the normal stuff, and she found not only the gestational sac but the yolk sac and the baby and the heartbeat!! I felt this puff of excitement but she went right on over to the tubes, so I didn't get to see the good stuff again until later. She looked long and hard at what Dr. H had looked at, then told her intern to go get the doctor. (Yes, this was slightly alarming.) Dr. B entered, and started poking around, looked at the intrauterine sac and said "Oh, there's even a crown-rump measurement!" which thrilled me to no end because I've learned some things in my five years of frustrated lurking on mommy and mommy-wannabe message boards. Crown-rump means there's an actual, albeit jellybean-sized, baby in there.) Then of course she swung over to the fallopian tube and the fun was put on hold.

So if you're counting, so far there were the sonographer (ultrasound technician) plus her intern, and now Dr. B in the room. After frowning and muttering, Dr. B said she was going to get Dr. H (my regular RE) to show him what she saw. He came in with his intern. So now there were a total of five people looking at my uterus and fallopian tubes and I started to get a little concerned.

Fast forward to the end - though there was some disagreement on where the abnormality lay, they were both 80% sure that in addition to the perfect, healthy jellybean in utero, there was an ectopic pregnancy as well. This is called a heterotopic pregnancy and it happens maybe one in 15,000 pregnancies.

Let me just interrupt to say, we have never won a supermarket scratch-off game, never hit it even moderately big in Vegas, and usually are the big losers on game nights on Family Sundays. But we are the big winners when it comes to fertility complications. First we are picked to be the one in six (a general ratio of infertile to normal, fertile couples) and now - SOUND THE ALARMS AND GET THE ATTENDANT -  we are the one in 15,000 winner of a heterotopic pregnancy.

I know I sound really bitter right now but actually - I am just being cheeky. I do understand the risks (unlike a regular ectopic pregnancy, you can't take medicine to stop the growth of the tubal pregnancy in this case, because it would damage the normal baby, so surgery to remove it is the only option.) I do know how serious this could potentially be. But because they don't know for sure that it's an embryo implanted in there, we are going to recheck tomorrow and then again on Monday - recheck for growth/maintenance/diminishment, or whatever happens with these weird things. And what can I do till then ... panicking is not an option. Mulling over how unfair this is, also not an option. It isn't fair, but that's not important.

Important: Baby. Important: Not getting worked up over how IT'S ALWAYS US. Important: Not thinking about people or situations I can't stand. Important: Keeping people I love close to me and in the loop. Important: Scott and me.

I'm pregnant! With complications. It happens. It's in God's hands.

Will update tomorrow.

P.S. So, wishing for twins = a perfect example of be careful what you wish for. Although of course, I really hope it's not Jellybean's twin that is stuck in the tube and needs to be removed. I hope, I pray, that follow up scans show that it's just a weird clot that dissolves soon.

the beginning

TMI Factor: ***/5

This is such a long story.

But I'm going to forgo a torturously detailed introduction by saying: We met in July 2006, we married in February of 2009, we tried for five years to have kids, and in August 2014 (after our first IVF), we were finally pregnant.

I'd held a positive HPT in my hands only once before, in 2012. The line was so faint (at 17 dpo I shouldn't have needed to squint) that I knew in my heart it was over before it had begun. My period started on a family vacation. We were all in a Bass Pro store in Vegas, which, if anyone needs to know, has no shortage of dark corners to cry in. I wanted my mom, who had died six months earlier - ironically, the cancer in her brain had lead her to believe all sorts of things that weren't true, such as that our family dog was sitting in the corner of her hospital room and that I was pregnant. When I squinted at the line I thought - did God send me the angel that Mom had dreamed of? In the bathroom at Bass Pro I thought, amongst other things - I can't believe an angel would decide to fly away here. I cried a lot. My mother in law gave me a hug that made me feel loved even as I felt empty, and my husband bought me a gigantic Frappuccino from the Starbucks tucked away in the casino attached to Bass Pro. We survived. Thank God for Vegas. I think Mom was there with us. (Actually, I think she's always in Vegas.)

So, after 8 or 9 IUIs (seriously, I don't remember) we decided it was time to Go There. We might have gone to IVF sooner if not for the terrifying knowledge that you pretty much get the one shot unless you finagle some insurance changes or just have boatloads of money lying around. Although we had a few hiccups - such as, despite our strict adherence to the stimming protocol, we only got 12 eggs, and of those 12, only eight fertilized, and of those eight, just four made it to blastocyst and were frozen because my lining was not suitable for a fresh transfer - we got a positive result! Our first beta HCG number was 64. Although the chemical beta in 2012 had been 9 (I didn't know you could get such a low number), I still thought 64 sounded low. But my RE assured me that it was normal, and that we'd just look for it to double in 48 hours. Which it did.

I could not tell anyone (except Scott and my immediate family and a couple of my closest friends), and beyond an initial puff of excitement, I just felt scared. They'd put back three embryos (they thawed all four and one hadn't survived), and although I'd been told not to wish for twins, I wished desperately for just that. I knew triplets would put us in a danger zone (intellectually, I knew twins did too but I wanted them nonetheless). I kept waiting for classic pregnancy symptoms to kick in, but none did. I was tired and hungry, but that's not so unusual for me. No sore boobs. No nausea. We continued to do our nightly progesterone injections, applied two new Climara patches every three days, prayed, and prayed, and prayed. I sought scriptures for fighting fear in pregnancy. My favorites:

"Do not be anxious about anything - but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7. 

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 26:3.

I started spotting and in true Me Fashion, completely freaked out and imagined the worst. The nurses (Bless. Them.) at my RE's office put me on bed rest. One used the phrase "not normal, but common" when I asked about the spotting. Another explained that when you become pregnant, the cervix and uterus become much more vascular, causing bleeding. I felt much better. I put myself to bed and stayed there. Except for the day I went to the grocery store and then came home and cooked dinner, and then discovered that I had passed a clot the size of an orange seed, and then jumped right back into bed.

I am the lady who POAS every morning just because that solid maroon line helps me start my day right. I am the lady who Googles every twinge and symptom or lack thereof. I am the lady who is trying to follow all the Western advice while also following a Chinese-from-China nurse's instruction sheet, which advises staying away from dozens of foods and does not allow iced beverages(!!). And, I am the lady who felt the tiniest twinges in her lower right side two nights ago and began obsessively googling "ectopic pregnancy," securing a doctor appointment the following morning.

But yesterday is a whole new entry all its own.