the beginning

TMI Factor: ***/5

This is such a long story.

But I'm going to forgo a torturously detailed introduction by saying: We met in July 2006, we married in February of 2009, we tried for five years to have kids, and in August 2014 (after our first IVF), we were finally pregnant.

I'd held a positive HPT in my hands only once before, in 2012. The line was so faint (at 17 dpo I shouldn't have needed to squint) that I knew in my heart it was over before it had begun. My period started on a family vacation. We were all in a Bass Pro store in Vegas, which, if anyone needs to know, has no shortage of dark corners to cry in. I wanted my mom, who had died six months earlier - ironically, the cancer in her brain had lead her to believe all sorts of things that weren't true, such as that our family dog was sitting in the corner of her hospital room and that I was pregnant. When I squinted at the line I thought - did God send me the angel that Mom had dreamed of? In the bathroom at Bass Pro I thought, amongst other things - I can't believe an angel would decide to fly away here. I cried a lot. My mother in law gave me a hug that made me feel loved even as I felt empty, and my husband bought me a gigantic Frappuccino from the Starbucks tucked away in the casino attached to Bass Pro. We survived. Thank God for Vegas. I think Mom was there with us. (Actually, I think she's always in Vegas.)

So, after 8 or 9 IUIs (seriously, I don't remember) we decided it was time to Go There. We might have gone to IVF sooner if not for the terrifying knowledge that you pretty much get the one shot unless you finagle some insurance changes or just have boatloads of money lying around. Although we had a few hiccups - such as, despite our strict adherence to the stimming protocol, we only got 12 eggs, and of those 12, only eight fertilized, and of those eight, just four made it to blastocyst and were frozen because my lining was not suitable for a fresh transfer - we got a positive result! Our first beta HCG number was 64. Although the chemical beta in 2012 had been 9 (I didn't know you could get such a low number), I still thought 64 sounded low. But my RE assured me that it was normal, and that we'd just look for it to double in 48 hours. Which it did.

I could not tell anyone (except Scott and my immediate family and a couple of my closest friends), and beyond an initial puff of excitement, I just felt scared. They'd put back three embryos (they thawed all four and one hadn't survived), and although I'd been told not to wish for twins, I wished desperately for just that. I knew triplets would put us in a danger zone (intellectually, I knew twins did too but I wanted them nonetheless). I kept waiting for classic pregnancy symptoms to kick in, but none did. I was tired and hungry, but that's not so unusual for me. No sore boobs. No nausea. We continued to do our nightly progesterone injections, applied two new Climara patches every three days, prayed, and prayed, and prayed. I sought scriptures for fighting fear in pregnancy. My favorites:

"Do not be anxious about anything - but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7. 

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 26:3.

I started spotting and in true Me Fashion, completely freaked out and imagined the worst. The nurses (Bless. Them.) at my RE's office put me on bed rest. One used the phrase "not normal, but common" when I asked about the spotting. Another explained that when you become pregnant, the cervix and uterus become much more vascular, causing bleeding. I felt much better. I put myself to bed and stayed there. Except for the day I went to the grocery store and then came home and cooked dinner, and then discovered that I had passed a clot the size of an orange seed, and then jumped right back into bed.

I am the lady who POAS every morning just because that solid maroon line helps me start my day right. I am the lady who Googles every twinge and symptom or lack thereof. I am the lady who is trying to follow all the Western advice while also following a Chinese-from-China nurse's instruction sheet, which advises staying away from dozens of foods and does not allow iced beverages(!!). And, I am the lady who felt the tiniest twinges in her lower right side two nights ago and began obsessively googling "ectopic pregnancy," securing a doctor appointment the following morning.

But yesterday is a whole new entry all its own.