the bathroom counter

Today: 8W0D

TMI Factor: */5 unless you hate needles.

Yesterday's scan was great. A few nerve-wracking moments as usual - the sac is now big enough that it jumps out at you as soon as the probe is in, but they don't zero in on baby until measuring the uterus, looking at the ovaries, etc. So every time it glances over the sac, I look for the telltale glimmer of the heartbeat - which of course you can't see until you're concentrated on it and the probe is nice and still. Uterus, good, ovaries, great, ah, there's the Jellybean. Heart beating away at 173 bpm, CRL now at 15 mm. Grow, baby, grow!

Dr. A pretty much said at this point she thinks the chances of there being an ectopic in the tube is zero. So that was great news. Baby is measuring well, and that was great news. I said a prayer of thanksgiving to Saint Gerard after the scan, and tucked the new printout into my purse. It's downstairs on the fridge and I'm too lazy to get it right now, but what I do have is ... bathroom counter pics.

I'm documenting the bathroom counter because we go through PIO shots every night, and it's gone from a good experience to a pretty bad one, but it's something we do together and it's an important part of this journey. This is what the bathroom counter looks like on any given day:

1) A 3 mL syringe w/23-gauge needle (which gets promptly discarded and replaced with the scary pink one (18G). That is used to draw up the PIO (1.5 mL). Then the 18G gets thrown away and is replaced with the friendlier 25G (blue), which is the one used to administer the shot.

2) The actual PIO (in a vial in the white and blue box.)

3) Climara (estradiol) patch.

A closer look at my friends

Band-aids.

We're now at eight weeks, about two-thirds of the way through the first trimester. A month or so until we can tell more people! Sickness has been manageable, I've been getting out and about more during the day, been baking, talking to friends, etc. I have already broken out the belly bands since my pants won't button, and I no longer care that that the bulk is just fat and not yet a baby bump. He's in there somewhere. Hopefully the queasiness will subside soon, and I can get back on a healthier eating regimen. So far today I've had two Eggos and a banana. Last night's dinner was chicken cacciatore. I could not get enough vegetables - tomatoes, bell peppers, celery - but I haven't enjoyed chicken in several weeks. I don't know if it has anything to do with pregnancy, though, because I was kind of turned off chicken before the whole thing started. Too bad because it's the easiest lean protein with no warnings attached. (Fish is so controversial I just avoid it altogether.)

I'd kill for a Subway sandwich ...

not pie day

Today: 7W4D

TMI Factor: */5

From Monday's scan at FDC:

According to the sonographer and the doctor, everything looks good. JB is on target, growth and heartbeat wise, and as for the FOW, they aren't concerned. (Dr. H said to remain vigilant, though, so I am.) Been attentive to crampiness, spotting, etc. ... I try not to worry (honestly, I feel like an absolute champ, cool as a maternal cucumber, considering my worrisome nature and how freaked out I could be about every twinge). The doc said that once you see a good healthy heartbeat, the chance of miscarriage drops to about 5%. That sounded a little too good to be true considering how many stories I've read on BabyCenter, the Bump, etc., but 1) I did not go to med school, my awesome doctors didm and 2) my ONE JOB was to stay off the discussion boards. I am still working on that.

A whimsical tummy snap taken today (I got dressed, a once-a-week occurrence - I figured it warranted a pic):

I can't wait til the roundness is actually baby and not this lovely combo of gas and bloating and sheer fat from the less-than-stellar diet I've been keeping. (Still doing my best to eat fresh fruits and vegetables and lean protein at least once a day, but a lot of the queasy hours are filled with salt and vinegar potato chips, Eggo, and Sprite.) So far today I've eaten: toast with butter and jelly, part of a nectarine, a frozen dinner ("chicken parm"), chips, and a piece of the chocolate chip cookie bar I made this afternoon, which frankly is way disgusting because I used too many chocolate chips and also the salt didn't get mixed into the batter very well. I suck.

I was supposed to dry-run an apple pie recipe for "Thanksgiving dinner" to be held on Sunday with the fam. However, after I bought the ingredients, I stopped for gas and while I was filling up, I felt my blood sugar plummet (how it did at Dr. K's) so I drove home, ate the frozen dinner, and took a nap. There was no way I was baking a pie after that, so I settled for the chocolate chip mess. Oh well, maybe tomorrow I'll feel like pie.

roast beef and cheese roll up

Today: 7W1D

TMI factor: */5

Another ultrasound at Fetal Diagnostic Center tmw. I am trying to learn how to be more excited than fearful before these appointments; I know that's probably an exercise in futility, bc how to you teach yourself to feel a certain way? Hopefully, we will get used to receiving good news and will stop being so fearful. I just can't take anything for granted right now. I want to shop for maternity jeans and think of names ... and I do ... but with a lot of caution. Some might ask why I'm so afraid of miscarriage. Logically, we've had one chemical pregnancy (mc) amid five years of nothing, and can reasonably expect a smooth pregnancy since we've gotten this far. Right? I just can't wait for the end of the first trimester. I pray for the duration and the end and the beginning of the next. I take nothing for granted, i put it all in the hands of God, and I know that means we shouldn't be worrying ("Worrying does not change the outcome") but it's against my nature not to worry a little. I just try to spend more time praying than worrying and so far we have been very blessed.

On Friday we had an ultrasound with Drs. H and A - they're still keeping an eye on what will heretofore be known as the "fibroid or whatever" (fow) - and we got to see the Jellybean. They said he's measuring just right, good heart rate, yay! And then I had an appointment with Dr. K. For whatever reason, in the middle of our session, my blood sugar plummeted and I nearly fainted. So embarrassing - she offered me part of her lunch and I had to eat it. I ATE MY THERAPIST'S LUNCH. Lesson learned: always have snacks in my purse. We went to Pho Mai afterwards where of course I didn't want my pho once it was in front of me.

Will check in tomorrow!

down the hatch

Today: 6W5D

TMI factor: **/5

Been experiencing on-and-off queasiness for the past three days or so. No puking, just feeling "off" about certain foods. Really wanted a grilled cheese sandwich a few days ago, but when I finally got it, I didn't want it anymore. Then I was dying for tortilla chips and salsa, but now processed tomatoes sound yucky. Been trying to eat sensibly but nothing really appeals. Had a bowl of granola and part of an egg this morning. Kona stole the rest of the egg when I got up to get the paper. I halfheartedly scolded him but I probably wasn't going to finish it anyway. I did ask Scott to pick up the following things from the store on his way home today: lemon-lime soda, English muffins, potato chips, a bell pepper, a cucumber, and some tomatoes, and when he got home I toasted and buttered a muffin and it was the only thing I'd eaten all day that tasted great. Ate the bell pepper for dinner - YUM. Feel pretty good right now!

Something that hasn't been great: the PIO shots. They started off just fine - intramuscular injections of progesterone in oil. No big. Scott was nervous at first but who wouldn't be? The first couple of weeks were a breeze. The nurse drew circles on my butt so that we'd put the needle in the right place. I even looked forward to doing them because 1) we were doing them together and 2) after the nurse explained that the progesterone preps and keeps the uterine lining optimal for baby, it felt like the one daily thing we could do to "take care of the baby" (besides choking down the prenatal every morning). But in the past couple of weeks, the shots have gone from breezy to uncomfortable to bad to torturous. I'm not sure if we hit the sciatic nerve (on both sides?) but there's a weird numbness AND itching going down both legs. There are also lumps everywhere. A few times, I bled when the needle came out. And twice now, there's been an acute pain for the duration of the shot (usually about 30 seconds, I think, but I'm going to time it tonight.) I may ask if I can switch to suppositories, but if they tell me that the shots are better overall, I'll just soldier on. I think it's another 6 or 7 weeks.

Tomorrow's our ultrasound. Scott is taking off work so we can go together. Praying that we see our baby's sweet little heartbeat going strong and steady!

not so special ...

... but oh so thankful.

Today: 6W2D.

TMI factor: */5

Two follow-up appointments later, I *think* the heterotopic scare is behind us. I think, I hope. I pray, pray, pray. Drs at Fetal Diagnostic and at the regular office think the mass is a fibroid - nothing too concerning at this time. Whatever it is hasn't grown or moved, THANK. GOD. I have no more right (or left) side pain. Big sighs of profound relief. We will of course keep an eye on everything. I am so happy to NOT be 1 in 15,000 right now.

Also, the spotting seems to have stopped. I kind of thought it might start up again, especially with all the poking and prodding and t/v ultrasounds - but so far, so spotless. Today Dr. A said that about 50% of their patients experience some type of early pregnancy bleeding, which was meant to be reassuring, but any bleeding in the region where the baby is is just disconcerting. Just happy mine seems to have stopped for now.

Finally, I asked the FD doc why the line on my HPTs is getting lighter. She said it's because pregnancy hormones fluctuate - and after the initial rise, they taper off or even diminish. (Yes, she also said to stop POAS. Actually this morning was the first morning that I hadn't done it since the beta. Must ... be ... strong!)

We have another appointment Friday with Drs. H/A (6W6D), which was supposed to have been our first glimpse at Jellybean, but we've already seen him three times, and twice I've heard and seen his heartbeat. That, and an increased appreciation for uneventful hours and days, are the two good things that have come out of this whole freak-out.

Jellybean should actually be called Minibean because the CRL is something like an eighth of an inch. I forget what it is in mm, but today's sonographer drew a little speech bubble from the GS that said "I'M SOOOOO TINY." He tried to print it out for me but it didn't come out, which was ok because for whatever reason, I was not feeling all that humorous.

Still no classic symptoms except wanting to nap all the time, which is not out of the norm for me. (People think I'm joking when I say that ... I'm so not.) Actually I have been feeling some floating queasiness here and there, but it's pretty sporadic and goes away when I eat. They say boys cause less morning sickness than girls; let's hope that's true. (Yes, I'm putting a LOT of stock in that Chinese gender chart.)

Scott's nephew's son is now 6 months old, and his niece's son will be born in January. If ours is a boy, there will be utter pandemonium at family Sundays for the next few years. Praying for pandemonium. But for now ... it's naptime!

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." - 1 Thessalonians 5:18

 

6 weeks 0 days. (Most of this pooch is UCC Judd Street luau food.)

blue jellybean

By the way, according to the Chinese gender chart:

It's a boy!!

1 in 15,000

Today: 5W5D

TMI factor: **/5

So, yesterday (5W4D)  I called my RE's office as soon as I got up. I described the dull poking pains (they could hardly be described as painful, actually, but they were in a place that I didn't like) to the nurse, and she said that although Dr. H wasn't too concerned,  I should still come in so they could rule out ectopic pregnancy.

(I was so glad they said it and I didn't have to suggest it - I know it's important to advocate for yourself but I hate coming off like a Google-crazy backseat-driving patient.)

I went in, honestly not very worried. They did an ultrasound, looking first for a normal, intrauterine pregnancy, warning me that we wouldn't be able to detect much at 5 weeks 5 days. We saw the gestational sac (which for me was super exciting - although it was pretty much a black circle.) Then we swung over to the ovaries/fallopian tube area, and there was a little grainy - okay to be honest, I can never see what they see. The whole thing is a grainy gray mess no matter how hard I look. I could make out a wiry looking thing that was identified as my tube, but as for the abnormal growth they saw, I could not see it.

Dr. H still wasn't too concerned, but he did call Fetal Diagnostic down the hall and asked if they could squeeze me in that afternoon. He said they'd be able to see more because they had the "really good" ultrasound machines. So I went to the cafeteria, tried to choke down an ultra dry chicken sandwich, failed, ate some fries instead, and headed to FD.

The technician checked first for the normal stuff, and she found not only the gestational sac but the yolk sac and the baby and the heartbeat!! I felt this puff of excitement but she went right on over to the tubes, so I didn't get to see the good stuff again until later. She looked long and hard at what Dr. H had looked at, then told her intern to go get the doctor. (Yes, this was slightly alarming.) Dr. B entered, and started poking around, looked at the intrauterine sac and said "Oh, there's even a crown-rump measurement!" which thrilled me to no end because I've learned some things in my five years of frustrated lurking on mommy and mommy-wannabe message boards. Crown-rump means there's an actual, albeit jellybean-sized, baby in there.) Then of course she swung over to the fallopian tube and the fun was put on hold.

So if you're counting, so far there were the sonographer (ultrasound technician) plus her intern, and now Dr. B in the room. After frowning and muttering, Dr. B said she was going to get Dr. H (my regular RE) to show him what she saw. He came in with his intern. So now there were a total of five people looking at my uterus and fallopian tubes and I started to get a little concerned.

Fast forward to the end - though there was some disagreement on where the abnormality lay, they were both 80% sure that in addition to the perfect, healthy jellybean in utero, there was an ectopic pregnancy as well. This is called a heterotopic pregnancy and it happens maybe one in 15,000 pregnancies.

Let me just interrupt to say, we have never won a supermarket scratch-off game, never hit it even moderately big in Vegas, and usually are the big losers on game nights on Family Sundays. But we are the big winners when it comes to fertility complications. First we are picked to be the one in six (a general ratio of infertile to normal, fertile couples) and now - SOUND THE ALARMS AND GET THE ATTENDANT -  we are the one in 15,000 winner of a heterotopic pregnancy.

I know I sound really bitter right now but actually - I am just being cheeky. I do understand the risks (unlike a regular ectopic pregnancy, you can't take medicine to stop the growth of the tubal pregnancy in this case, because it would damage the normal baby, so surgery to remove it is the only option.) I do know how serious this could potentially be. But because they don't know for sure that it's an embryo implanted in there, we are going to recheck tomorrow and then again on Monday - recheck for growth/maintenance/diminishment, or whatever happens with these weird things. And what can I do till then ... panicking is not an option. Mulling over how unfair this is, also not an option. It isn't fair, but that's not important.

Important: Baby. Important: Not getting worked up over how IT'S ALWAYS US. Important: Not thinking about people or situations I can't stand. Important: Keeping people I love close to me and in the loop. Important: Scott and me.

I'm pregnant! With complications. It happens. It's in God's hands.

Will update tomorrow.

P.S. So, wishing for twins = a perfect example of be careful what you wish for. Although of course, I really hope it's not Jellybean's twin that is stuck in the tube and needs to be removed. I hope, I pray, that follow up scans show that it's just a weird clot that dissolves soon.

the beginning

TMI Factor: ***/5

This is such a long story.

But I'm going to forgo a torturously detailed introduction by saying: We met in July 2006, we married in February of 2009, we tried for five years to have kids, and in August 2014 (after our first IVF), we were finally pregnant.

I'd held a positive HPT in my hands only once before, in 2012. The line was so faint (at 17 dpo I shouldn't have needed to squint) that I knew in my heart it was over before it had begun. My period started on a family vacation. We were all in a Bass Pro store in Vegas, which, if anyone needs to know, has no shortage of dark corners to cry in. I wanted my mom, who had died six months earlier - ironically, the cancer in her brain had lead her to believe all sorts of things that weren't true, such as that our family dog was sitting in the corner of her hospital room and that I was pregnant. When I squinted at the line I thought - did God send me the angel that Mom had dreamed of? In the bathroom at Bass Pro I thought, amongst other things - I can't believe an angel would decide to fly away here. I cried a lot. My mother in law gave me a hug that made me feel loved even as I felt empty, and my husband bought me a gigantic Frappuccino from the Starbucks tucked away in the casino attached to Bass Pro. We survived. Thank God for Vegas. I think Mom was there with us. (Actually, I think she's always in Vegas.)

So, after 8 or 9 IUIs (seriously, I don't remember) we decided it was time to Go There. We might have gone to IVF sooner if not for the terrifying knowledge that you pretty much get the one shot unless you finagle some insurance changes or just have boatloads of money lying around. Although we had a few hiccups - such as, despite our strict adherence to the stimming protocol, we only got 12 eggs, and of those 12, only eight fertilized, and of those eight, just four made it to blastocyst and were frozen because my lining was not suitable for a fresh transfer - we got a positive result! Our first beta HCG number was 64. Although the chemical beta in 2012 had been 9 (I didn't know you could get such a low number), I still thought 64 sounded low. But my RE assured me that it was normal, and that we'd just look for it to double in 48 hours. Which it did.

I could not tell anyone (except Scott and my immediate family and a couple of my closest friends), and beyond an initial puff of excitement, I just felt scared. They'd put back three embryos (they thawed all four and one hadn't survived), and although I'd been told not to wish for twins, I wished desperately for just that. I knew triplets would put us in a danger zone (intellectually, I knew twins did too but I wanted them nonetheless). I kept waiting for classic pregnancy symptoms to kick in, but none did. I was tired and hungry, but that's not so unusual for me. No sore boobs. No nausea. We continued to do our nightly progesterone injections, applied two new Climara patches every three days, prayed, and prayed, and prayed. I sought scriptures for fighting fear in pregnancy. My favorites:

"Do not be anxious about anything - but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7. 

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 26:3.

I started spotting and in true Me Fashion, completely freaked out and imagined the worst. The nurses (Bless. Them.) at my RE's office put me on bed rest. One used the phrase "not normal, but common" when I asked about the spotting. Another explained that when you become pregnant, the cervix and uterus become much more vascular, causing bleeding. I felt much better. I put myself to bed and stayed there. Except for the day I went to the grocery store and then came home and cooked dinner, and then discovered that I had passed a clot the size of an orange seed, and then jumped right back into bed.

I am the lady who POAS every morning just because that solid maroon line helps me start my day right. I am the lady who Googles every twinge and symptom or lack thereof. I am the lady who is trying to follow all the Western advice while also following a Chinese-from-China nurse's instruction sheet, which advises staying away from dozens of foods and does not allow iced beverages(!!). And, I am the lady who felt the tiniest twinges in her lower right side two nights ago and began obsessively googling "ectopic pregnancy," securing a doctor appointment the following morning.

But yesterday is a whole new entry all its own.